Even When I Fail

"And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father....For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:10-14


"Be careful then how you live- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is." Ephesians 5:15-17


Sometimes I feel like the more I want God to use me, guide me, the more I fail when the time comes for me to live my life for Him. The more my selfish desires get in the way.
Many times a day I make wrong choices. I sin. I fail the God that I claim to love, and I hurt the people around me. I hurt myself as well. It starts out small, but as time goes on and I don't get a hold on it, it just increases. Pretty soon life comes crashing down on me, and I have no idea how and when my life became how it is now. I am in that place right now.
I could make up a whole list of a bunch of excuses for why I have allowed my selfish desires and sinful nature to get the best of me, but none of them matter. In the end, all that matters is that I've messed up. I've failed. And I need to admit that and ask for God's forgiveness.
So many times I live like the unwise do, even though I'm commanded in Ephesians to live as the wise do. My time here isn't much compared to eternity, and I want to make it worth something! I've messed up a lot. I've failed God, my family, my friends, my goals in being a missionary, in so many ways. I wish so much that I could go back and take away all of that. That I could start over and do things differently. But I can't. Luckily though, God gave us these two wonderful things called grace and forgiveness.
Tonight I was sitting on my bed after kind of having a "thunderstorm" came crashing down on me. I was thinking about how much I need to change in order to get things back on track, and to be used by God; make my life worth something in his eyes. I came back to the place of thinking 'I can't take what I've done back, so what am I gonna do? Is God really going to help me?' Which only made me more discouraged and more disappointed in myself.
I decided to spend some time in God's word, seeking his will. Knowing that he would have the answer for me. I read today's (3/11/10) devotion on http://www.tenthdotministries.com/ and then decided to spend some time in God's word on my own. He gave me the two passages that I typed out at the beginning of this blog. He showed me that all I need is to seek HIM. All I need is to ask and be filled with the Holy Spirit. I can't change the past, I can't take away all the mistakes I've made, but I can't make the future better either if I'm not filled with the Holy Spirit. God offers me grace, forgiveness, love, guidance, and hope. Why the heck have I been so stupid not seek him with my WHOLE heart?! I've been asking God why things in my life just keep getting worse, and why he isn't using me, when the truth is, all he's doing is waiting for me to be filled with his spirit.
When I was finishing up reading tonight, the song "Take Me as I am" by FM Static started playing. Even though I think this song is written in the perspective of a new believer, it's still true in my life. Here's the lyrics:


This time I finally see the reason why
I can't do this alone
It took some time and concentration
To believe it, this I know.
I need to build my faith sometimes
But I am so comfortable in line
I'm up there's no more time,
To try to mess with this design

Two nights compete everyone's asleep
and I don't want to say these words to you
I'll be your hand take me as I am
I just wanna be with you

Take me as I am cause I'm going
I was too scared to start now
I'm too scared to let go
Take me as I am, cause I'm growing
but its so hard to tell when I'm not used to this soul
Take me as I am, cause I'm going
I was too scared to start now I'm too scared to let go
Take me as I am, Cause I'm growing
but its so hard to tell when I'm not used to this soul

I lift my voice to sing out
Let the sound of my heart bring out
These hands aren't holding me down
Never again will I be with out
I need to feel my faith sometimes
But I am so comfortable in line
I'm up there's no more time
To try to mess with this design

Two nights compete everyone's asleep
and I don't want to say these words to you
I'll be your hand take me as I am
I just wanna be with you



All I need is God. But I have to make the decision to change and start working towards fixing things in order for anything to happen. It's time for me to "sing out" as I take God's hand and continue in the journey he has for my life.

Mom-thanks for always encouraging me and helping me through the rough times. Thanks for loving me no matter what and never giving up on me. I love you.

Dad- You're amazing. Thanks for being my dad and teaching me how to be a good Christian woman who loves the Lord with all of my heart.

Brent, Dane, Morgan and Christian- I don't know what I would do without you guys. I know I can be a bit of a jerk at times, but always know how much I love you. I want to be the best big sister possible to you guys, and to be a godly role model in your lives. You are all great and I love spending time with each one of you. Thanks for loving me even when I fail at being a good big sister.